GEM project

i can't seem to concentrate. i can't focus on my project. it is SO boring. i really wonder why i never had any violent objections when they agreed on it. I'm sure we could have found sth much simpler to do. =(

or maybe perhaps my mind has been wondering over what he said to me today. perhaps, i should make the decision and not leave it to him too.

ha.

i told him just now about how i hated to watch mr bean when i was young, how i shared his pain when people laughed at him, and he didn't know. later did i know, it was all an act to get people to laugh.

someone commented how compassionate i am, and how i have a heart for others. my MAPP assesment says i should go into the line of counseling; that my personality suited that line 80%.

so tell me, how on earth, seriously can i find my GEM project boring?

gawd. all these self denial.

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i don't know what else to think.

just one last sentence and im not going to say anything more with regards to the issue, because there's no point too, since you agree that u aren't being rational. Also, to anybody else who reads what i have written over this whole 'saga'; i don't care what impression i've formed in your minds, i don't care about what you think, i don't care about your views on how u would have handled this whole situation, given that you were me. All i know is i didn't do anything wrong: i didn't lie, i didn't mislead, i didn't make use of anybody. and God knows that. and he saw what i did.


in addition, to whatever i have told you via sms with regards to your last post:
you misinterpret me- i don't don't like you; i like you on another level different from yours.

Period.

Lamentations 3: 36

".. would not the Lord see such things?"

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thanks winnie for reminding me again. perhaps that explained why i was like that when i bump into you in the toilet yday: was wondering of negative stuff esp how God was viewing me.

you see, anonymous, i would share my views with you regarding such matters: the most important thing to note here, is that God did tell us in the bible that we should not be yoke with unbelievers.

2 cor 6:14
Do not be yoked together with unbelievers...
Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?

why is that so?

do you agree that all relationships lead to marraige. and if you don't, i don't really know what else to say, but this is how i feel. and that is why it has to be taken seriously.

don't you feel that faith determines the way you live? with 2 different sets of beliefs, how do you think you can actually set out to live your happily ever after story? yes, perhaps compromise and all helps, but it is a short term solution. It won't hold when ur honeymoon period is over.

as i've always said, once bitten, twice shy. i speak from experience, and i never want to go through that again.

Christianity,to a person, is a relationship, to the world, a religion. I place God as my highest importance and i'm sure"the guy with the McDonald's smile" (no doubt) knows that. all in all, whatever you say, please do not insult my relationship with God.. because God see such things.

tired & sorry

i'm tired of it too.

tired from having to restrain how i feel. tired to bother how people feel towards me. tired abt everything and almost anything.

i really just want to throw it all away.

i'm sorry i caused you so much trouble. i'm sorry for making u feel this way now. i'm sorry for having people to keep on asking you if u are ok. i'm sorry for winning all the arguements. i'm sorry for having you to say sorry.

i'm very sorry.

thank you for hearing what i have to say. as i've said, i share the blame too.

i hope you'll read this:

i was just thinking. why am i subjecting myself to condemnation. i don't think you'll read this, but i really hope you will.

firstly, it isn't entirely my fault: i made it clear in the beginning. i drew the line so clearly right at the beginning. you feel that religion was probably a convenient reason.

then i said, if it weren't for this problem we faced, i'll consider you. i didn't say i'll agree straight away.

and then u asked me if we never had this problem, will i accept you. i told you i had to think about it. and lots of thinking, i did: i told you my feelings for u were not of the same level. I did. and i really couldn't connect on another level which you were on.

and then u said you accepted it. and i was glad.

then u started teasing me about someone else; i told you i'ld rather you.

yes, i agree. that would have been my fault from what i told you yday. The thing is, i didn't lie. At that point in time, i would have really rather you. Perhaps, you can't accept why i change my opinion. and u think i lied to you.

but i didn't. i really didn't at that point in time. the factor was time.

sigh. 1 most impt thing to note: I didn't reject you because of him.

and if you insist that i lied to you, then i'll have nothing to say.

but please, please stop condemning yourself. you don't suck. u really don't. =(

i'll still be praying for you. because, one day i know. that day will come.

i'm such a bitch.

=(

well.. i guess there's just somethings that needed to be cleared.

the truth's told, i broke the same heart again.

i am really sad. but there's really no other way out. pageant Ho was right: sometimes, you just got to do what u really have got to do.

i sincerely hope this doesn't deter you from finding out what you want to find out abt God. please don't.

i'll wait for you to get out of the hole-again.

i can't think of a title. =/ again.

i hate my teeth. esp the left front teeth. thats why i only look good on my left side.

oh wells.

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i would have posted the picture of junhao and me. it really looks nice. haha.. but, nah. think i won't. esp since junhao has been pushing me away, ostracising me. =( hahahaha.. saying i have destroyed his reputation.

wth. he's paired up with the diva, yet he says such things?!

haha
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its all getting confused. whirlpool, they call it. going no where.

sigh.

human emotions vs beliefs- such a terrible situation.

i am a very sensitive person, esp to my surroundings. i know what is going on in your mind.

i know. and you know what? perhaps it is just something you got to handle it yourself.

they say its complicated. i really have to agree. but actually it is very simple. you just have to balance it all out and don't let stuff affect you.

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saw eileen at biz lib today. was totally shock. why would my other boss be doing in NUS. she's so lucky she saw me. haha.. otherwise she'll get lost.

i miss my yani bunni. =( i want lunch with her.

service class today was about empowerment. interesting topic. if i have the time, i'll write down my thoughts about it soon.

question to think about: is empowerment really empowerment?

another dream. a scary one.

Last night, i prayed for a sign, a word, something for you before i slept, because i know losing someone to death... is hard. and i just don't know how to ease whatever pain you have although you said you are fine.

LAst night, i had a dream.

it IS because i felt so desperate and so helpless in that dream, that i shared it with you. And yes, as i told you, it came from God. i'm very sure of that.

i don't ask for an answer. i am not looking for one. i just want you to think about it.

who do you call for help when you are just so desperate?

you just don't know how long i've been pondering about it and how important it is for me to have you to really think about this issue.

its because.. because the burden is so heavy and i am so desperate.

who do you call for help when you are hanging from a cliff?

and i pray. i continue to pray. and He'll answer it in His own timing. you just wait and see.

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yes, i wished it was us, us. but we can't yet.. not now..

a bit of DND and a bit of ahm ahm-ness

DND was a blast. =)

haha.. good job puay sannie and the rest of the comm. you guys did great despite the major hurdles. haha

would love to write more about it, but i have another paper due this monday. i manage to clear the first paper, but it toook me forever to write it. i just hope this one is not as bad. have to skip cell for this paper. =(

if i can finish this paper before tmr afternoon, i wanna go watch dance uncensored!!!

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gee. i wonder who's more ahm ahm than me. is it me who publicly write down what and how i feel (wait till i post that pic of jun hao and me up here), or the ahm ahm darlings of block A (Gaza and FUFs) who secretly reads my blog.

*thinks

hahahahaah..

anyways, sean and hao jie are super chio. chio lah! haha =)

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urgh. just burnt my tongue with coffee. *disgusted

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".. you look cute tonight. :) "

in the middle of a paper (paper 1 out of 2)

you didn't get it, did you. read it again. =) but then again, i still think you won't get it. haha haven't rubbed my cheem powers on you yet.


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sometimes i wonder.. i wonder what i'm doing and i wonder if i'm doing things right or not. Well, i guess i just have to keep myself in check. thats the only way to go about doing it.so.. far.. i think i'm on the right track. done nothing wrong. so yea... its good.

no worries, laur.

have been really distracted tonight. dunno by what. prob just an excuse so as not to get down to do work. but i have to finish this paper by tomoroow night and this sucks man. motivation, motivation, where art thou?

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just a shout out to all who reads my blog. this, includes the 6*FUFs, who seem to associate me with ahm-ness.


yes yes, i will wear a red pair of shorts just for all of you. haha! then u can just go on and on. i bet jun hao will thank me somehow. help him divert attention. haha


sheesh. sometimes, guys can be worse gossip queens than women!!


oh..what? updating of surroundings? haha.. oh. sorry. that only applies to me. heehee.


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ok.. back to service work. URGH.


i'm sick of my random ramblings. i need a good post. ok. soon, i guess.

she sat down with the rest of her friends, in her room. They started talking about almost everything in the world. SLowly, yet gradually, they seem to have forgotten that that was her room. They started to get carried away with their conversations, and have forgotten to ask for her opinion.

So she turned around; facing her lap top that was in front of her on the study desk, she aimlessly started to surf the internet.

"hey sweet," he said with a smile, ever so genuine and full of love. "are you bored?"

She could only reply with a smile, and dragged a chair that was below her desk to her right side and asked him to take a seat.

He sat.

With her eyes peeled on her computer screen, she asked, "are you enjoying yourself?"

All of a sudden, she felt a peck on her cheek.

"i enjoy myself whenever you are around, babe."

screw the order of the posts.

i have yet to blog abt my second night of SP.. of which i will soon. its the darn pics that i am wondering why it takes so long to load, till i lost my connection with blogger.

as much as my no 1 fan of my blog says he missed my coffee, i can't help but agree too. i miss making my own coffee. it's been super long since i blogged.

and my poor little head can't really contain it in anymore, so i decided to scrw the order of my posts and just write what i have to say.

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i'm glad. i'm glad that you are happy. i'm glad.

so with one heart more or less healed, its time to move on..

yep. since year 1, you bet. just that i didn't tell anyone. none. not a soul. i can keep secrets well, can't i? heh.

sometimes, i just wonder.. why is He doing this to me. i can't take it if the people i meet are of who i want to reciprocate, and i just simply can't.

But u see, my dear. once bitten, twice shy.

i can't. sadly. i can't- however, it won't be a complete chop. i wun let go of you. u wait and see.

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"haha you have cute tear drop eyes when you smile. :) the sweet and pure eyes."

you got me there.

first night of SP

*edit: i tried so long and hard to put the rest of the pics up. but everytime i do it, i get disconnected. so i decided to heck it. sorry all, if your face not up, not my fault!! haha

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that curtain call.


THAT curtain call- the stage was ALL mine. i basked in the claps and the shouts of my friends. i dreamt of it once, and i lived it.


That curtain call. its exactly like how pgt Ho said it.


i'll never forget it in my entire life.



-a happy individual
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beautiful. tmr will be better.

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thanks all for coming. i hope i made ur $14 worth every cent.

my darling jasmine, troy, dinah and celest: thanks for ur BEAUTIFUL 15 red roses. I LOVE THEM SO FREAKING MUCH!! i dun need many flowers. i just needed yours. hahaha!!

my sweetest ling, bin and ne: thank u guys for coming down.. sorry couldn't talk to u guys long enough.. i hope you guys enjoyed it. you guys rock my socks. esp with the pink roses. i love it. i really do. each rose stands for each of you.

my darling church frens: thanks all for coming down. u guys rock my socks. =D

my cousins: love you guys. i still waiting for my entire ecosystem. hahaha..

Thanks Heng fai, for supporting, encouraging and hearing me whine all these while. Thank you. =)

Thank you Kenneth. Haha.. although your roses were late, I still love them anyway. =)

thank you family for supporting me silently altho sometimes u dun mean those nasty things you say about me in this production.

corn: aren't u that proud of me?
father & mother: thank you for naming me after ling qing xia. hahaha.. i'm glad i made you both proud.
jo: thanks for going through my lines with me at the beginning. haha tho ur reading totally.. er.. ok nvm. haha

most imptly, thank you God for this talent. all glory goes to You.

SP. the process.

"caught a bit of your rehearsal just now and well, although i should tell you on friday, now also can.."

" i still remember the first time u got ur script and showed me. U were so excited although you tried to hide it =) Sat and Sun is a dream come true for you. And from what i saw,u'll be great."

it's finally here. =D my first ever grand scale production that i wished and longed for. and that msg totally perked me up.

i believe that i'ld be too tired to blog abt such a life changing experience tomorrow night, i might as well do it today, since i'ld be skipping classes for bump in tmr. =)

still remember bona calling me when i was out celebrating seokie's bday at IMM during buaya week, to rush back for an audition. the tone in his voice excited me. Someone believed in me.

that audition, which i treated it lightly, without the expectation of getting it. Tris' sian reaction. (whats new)

in level 3, scooping ben&jerry ice cream for evelyn to ben. received an sms from tris. "you got in."

i screamed.

ran out of the pantry and saw a stunned ronald. " wah lao."

haha.

our first meeting. tris says "you. prostitute."

"uh.. what?!"

"yea. u lead."

0.0

the breaking of news to father and family. the family disagreements and all. ha.

" ok la. fine la. don't like me to stay in hall. on that day when u watch me perform, dun stand up, point at me and tell the world, 'thats my daughter/sister'. "

incessant rehearsals. the travelling up and down. the interupted photoshoot. (WAH LAO). the ugly posters and banners. the trailer.

and its going to be held in 2 days.

i enjoyed the whole process. thanks guys.

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ticket sales: 400 /450 each night.

everybody's working their ass off. esp choonie.

choonie: dude, i wun let your set down. i'll bring life to it. =) your hardwork won't be a waste.

wah lao. all of a sudden i damn stress.
hahaha

jiayou guys. lets live our dream. =D

it hurt when i read that sentence. and it couldn't hurt more to know how much support and encouragment u need now- and i am not in the position to give it to you.

but i can't be selfish. i will give you the space and time you need.

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sometimes certain issues that seem so easy can be so hard. somehow, i feel so unfaithful and so useless.

but everything is in His hands, rite?

i really really really want you to know about God. about how great He is, how deep His love for you is, how He wants to support you through your difficult times...

and so, i tear again-
the burden, oh! so heavy... it hurts.

i think i shall wait for you instead. i won't take the initiative any more.lest i get disappointed with ur responses for i don't know what reason. its ur time, ur call.

the ball is in your court, now.

sp + MA test

great. 2 days of full runs and i'm so drained. and it was 50% and 85% energy level.

last nite run was really good i guess, altho tris said he'll only pay $11.50 to watch, but esther told us he was so impressed with us for our Act 1. =) its really nice to hear praises for sth you worked hard for. But i felt it in Act 1, i think we all did great. i'm so proud of my fellow cast. =)

well, its just 2 more weeks. Oh! we'll be wonderful.

somehow, i think i'll perform better on sat then sun, because sunday morning i'll have like swollen puffy eyes, just like how my eyes are today.

i shall just ignore the need to blog about how my right lens dropped off on to my knee during Act 1. just thank God, Christine knew what to do when she went back stage. i need to go send my lens for cleaning. need to do it nnext week. can't afford to let that hapen on the real day. i'm seriously considering doing without my lens, and specs, of course. sigh. i hate my poor vision.

thankfully, i still managed to crash study on my accounting test last nite this morning with my puffy swollen eyes and oh-so-tired body, altho nothing much really got in, and i felt that i was ready to give up this 25% of my grade- the paper was do-able. or so i think. .. but whatever, thank you God. =)

altho there's no rehearsal tonight, i have to pia my case study for tmr. lots of things to do still. .....lots of things on my mind. sigh.

i'm STILL pmsing. =(

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Ramly burger rawks. =D