TIRED week. VERY TIRED week. dunno why also.. dun ask me.

today i did the most unbelievable thing. my hp cover cracked. beautiful crack line from the top to the bottom of my screen. pastor is gg to kill me if he sees it. i'll just continue acting.. i guess... i'm so sad tooooooooo..... IT WASN'T ON PURPOSE!!!!

TIRED. VERY TIRED.

haiYOOOOooO!!

i went to acjc funfair todae!! actually.. the school wasn't like what i expected.. i expected sth bigger and more grand.. but hey. nvm la.. i dun even study there.

well it was so cool la.. i met diana and kenneth at the mrt.. started to feel quite extra.. wanted chong to be there quite badly.. but the poor guy is still sick.. (*SIGH*) so yea.. alone with the lovebirds la. (sorry diana... hehe) but it wasn't so bad later on.. felt better when i saw daryl.. he gave me extra 10 bucks!! and the money he owed me since last year... hahaha...

well... we met yina and jac later on... then we were like together... i saw my dearest abel mei mei.. ahhhhhh... i think he look so cute. hahahaha... he was with that "who thinks i'm wierd" girl. gross. dunno why he is frens with her in the first place...

who else did i see... lemme see... i saw my whole group of juniors!!! ahhhh... hahaha. i really missed them...sighz.. ok anywae.. then there was leonard who came after that..

mmmm.. yina was so crazy over daniel.. haha daniel looks like some korean guy.. haha i really very happy for yina.. hahahaha...

mmmmmmmm... went out with daryl after that.. yea.. we were like catching up with old times.. told me what happened between him and his g***ys.. haiyo... feel so sad for him... then he bought godiva chocolates manx... its like so super ex lor!!! i really very amazed how much a small little piece of chocolate could cost 3+ bucks.. WOW. hahaha.. daryl is rich man.. what was she thinking when she rejected him?!

daryl: hey bro.. i hope u r feeling better already yea.. c'mon la.. such a cute, sweet, lovable, smart boy (with weird 4th fingers on both hands) can do better and get a better more attractive girl.. u dun worry k. anywaez.. i really enjoyed myself todae esp the choc. hahahaha u tc yea.. miss u a whole lot. *huGZ* see ya soon....

GP compre? 13/50.

well done.

GP compo? 14/50

well done.

and you ask my why i'm stress?? gee. DON'T tell anybody which secondary school i was from. i think i have brought disgrace to the school.

why can't i suck at one of my content subjects rather then my language subject? at least i would know 'in which direction' to start mugging.

this is MY blog. so i get to express my thoughts and feelings here rite?

i'm so stupid. i'm so stupid. i'm so stupid. i'm so stupid. i'm so stupid. i'm so stupid. i'm so stupid. i'm so stupid. i'm so stupid. i'm so stupid. i'm so stupid. i'm so stupid. i'm so stupid. i'm so stupid. i'm so stupid. i'm so stupid. i'm so stupid. i'm so stupid. i'm so stupid. i'm so stupid. i'm so stupid. i'm so stupid.

dun bother to try saying anything to me about this. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE and i'll be fine after tonight.

GP sucks.

dammit. why didn't i go to the poly.

Artist: Leann Rimes
Album: I Need You
Title: But I Do Love You


I don't like to be alone in the night
And i don't like to hear i'm wrong when i'm right
And i don't like to have the rain on my shoe
But i do love you, but i do love you

I don't like to see the sky painted gray
And i don't like when nothing's going my way
And i don't like to be the one with the blues
But i do love you, but i do love you

Love everything about the way you're loving me
The way you lay your head
Upon my shoulder when you sleep
And i love to kiss you in the rain
I love everything you do, oh i do
I don't like to turn the radio on
Just to find i missed my favorite song
And i don't like to be the last with the news
But i do love you, but i do love you

Love everything about the way you're loving me
The way you lay your head
Upon my shoulder when you sleep
And i love to kiss you in the rain
I love everything you do, oh i do

And i don't like to be alone in the night
And i don't like to hear i'm wrong when i'm right
And i don't like to have the rain on my shoes

But i do love you but i do love you
But i do love you but i do love you

I SAW DINIE TODAY!! YAY!!!! so happy... =] miss u lots dinie!!!

Little Prayers
For
Little
Things

Fly
Heavenward
On
Little wings

And no prayer
Is too
Great
Or small

To ask GOD

Who hears
Them ALL.

Amen.
thank u Lord Jesus...

siGhz. dammit i failed my geog test. 7/25 (sorry bro.. i really think it is impossible to get an A in geog.. at least for now.) probably because i didn't really study for it.. haiyah. it sucks when i fail. and then the thought of studying again really sucks.. i wonder why i can't get back to my nerdy self.. is it because of other things that are bothering me or is there really sth known as NERDY powers. SIGH.

i need to study; i need my grades; i need him- and then i'll be happy.




to all my jie mei men.. including ne and hui ting.. thanx for being there for me ydae..sorry i was being such an ass ydae. hope i have improved todae..

thanx bin for mR FANGS.hehe.. i think he's still in my pencil box..

thanx weiling for ur card.. i'm happy about u and ur wei wei.. i really am..

thanx diana for listening.. and just being there whenever i need u..

thanx yina for ur concern.. really appreciate it.

thanx to all the slackers in nball.. esp to shu, erin, hanee benny and elsa.. thanx for listening to me and cheering me up during netball.. because it really helped.. A LOT.

thanx chong for ur understanding.. and for everything else. get well soon.

my dearest chong,

i had a very enjoyable as well as a memorable valentine's day with u. i wun forget that day ever. it was the day we were able to do official stuff.. esp holding ur hand in public.. and it was then that i realise how deep my love for u is..

although u asked me again after 12. i was so tempted to say yes; so tempted to hold ur hand; so tempted to be with u more. i talked to God before i slept last night. i told Him i would ask pastor what i should do.. so i did talked to him just now.. he seemed to knnow what i was gg to ask and even finished my question. he told me that it wouldn't be right for me to accept u as my boyfriend which i really wanted. he told me to start off as super super super close friends and bring u to church.. and then slowly.. who noes.. we might be able to be together officially for the rest of our lives.

i held my tears back. i didn't bother to tell him wat happen yesterday because i knew i would just burst into tears. i couldn't cry then coz my parents were at the other side of the room. and i didn't want them to noe. everything would be worse if they knew u were not christian.

when i went back into the scantuary.. my friend came over and ask me what pastor talked to me about and asked if the topic was about u. i looked at her and before i could say anything.. i was already in tears. i really dun noe how the tears came about. it just started flowing. thank God i managed to control my tears. i knew the kids knew that i was crying and obviously didn't noe why because i was laughing and screaming before that.. as usual. fortunately, they didn't ask.. all except dicky who just sat next to me and asked if i was ok..

when we went into the car, i msged u.. when u replied me with a "this is the last *muacks* i shall give u.", my tears started to flow again..because i didn't want that to be the last kiss for me..................i didn't msg u back because i really didn't noe what to say.. u also said that "u'll definitely find a better guy than me.", but i think u are good enough for me. enough for me to say "i love u."

a few min later in the car, father told me that as i shared 2 sundays ago, one of the church uncle told my father to pass the msg to me that what i was gg thru is persecution. and "Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness for theirs is the kingdom of heaven" (matt 5:10)

piangz. i cried more after that. for a girl, esp to 'persecute' me in my love life.. (in addition, my first one), really sucks. totally.

i really dunno how i'm gg to face u tmr and the days after.. i hope i dun burst into tears the moment i see u.

i noe thru out this whole situation, it has been totally unfair to u.. u have always been saying that i shouldn't think about it this way. but i just can't help it. i feel very guilty for u. i really dunno what to say or what to do... all i noe is i really really love u, and i really hope that the day that we can go official comes really soon. because i want to be with u.

now i'ld just have to console myself with God's word..
'"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. "As the heavens are highter than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."' (Isaiah 55: 8-9)

God loves u, chong.. and so do i. *MUACKZ*

haiyo.. why izzit that i feel so tired to type in my bloggie...die manx... haha hmmmm... okie.. lets see what happened..

kenneth got kicked out of school because he didn't go for band!!! (ok everybody.. 1...2...3.. *GASP*) ya la... this didi so enthu abt everything can actually pon band... haiyOOOooOOoo... then Yuto also.. this super cute didi quitting school.. haiyo.. so sad.. can u imagine.. i actually forgot they were holding a dinner for him todae... haha i only realised when i came home. gosh what a dumb OGL...

aiyoh. what else.. hmmm.. today during chinese class.. haiyo.. it was the most ultimate embarrasing chinese class... not being able to speak chinese properly is quite paiseh enuff.. now lao shi noes about us.. gee what can possibly be worse than that.. now we haf to face to the realities of lao shi suaning us non-stop. good luck to the both of us. esp me... ESP ME!!!!!!!!!!! oh NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... ehehhee.

gEEz. what a dae.. super tired to type anything. but i just wanted to say
I TYPED THIS FROM HOME!!!

sheesh. just finish my maths test.. quite ok la. haha not bad. just can't solve the second induction question.. stupid. i think induction sucks. haha.. but anywae.. maths beat geography any time. (except integration) hehe yupz.. think i shall go home soon.. sleep.. then meet him after his bball match with cchsm. hope he doesn't get injured.. or else i'll be so sadx. haha.. yupz. see ya.

mmMmmmMMMmmmm... early morning have 2 breaks. feeling's great. haha.. well.. weling and diana starting their own blogs now.. yea.. it was friendster craze before and now its blog craze..haha..

siGH. situation's still the same.. haf been thinking a lot yesterdae.. dunnoe izzit because of my ulcers or my eye or not enough sleep (whats new).. that i keep on thinking that i cannot pei him because i have been treating him really unfair and that is not what he deserves.. its so totally not fair to him and i dun want to 'hold him back' from other ppl.. i dun want to be selfish.. but its just so hard to tell him because the heart is not willing. haiyo. do i sound like as if my life is so miserable. gee...

sianx la.. i really dunno wat to do.. i think if i actually start to do my quiet time with God.. it'll help a lot. arGH gee.

*SigH* mother always says that she doesn't want me to get into a relationship.. because she doesn't want me to get hurt.. but the thing is she doesn't noe that i'm already hurt so badly even before getting into one.

had a great time with him on sat.. i couldn't remember when was the last time i went out with him.. we watched last samurai and the movie was totally awesome. not only was the movie awesome, his hand felt great to hold too...

we went to Regulus 2 chalet after that with brother, jac and benjy.. felt weird at first with the kids.. but it was alrite after we started eating.. with li shuang and the rest serving all of us.. we wanted to go over to Regulus 4 bbq at the other side of pasir ris.. but diana called later on- when the 5 of us were on our way to the bus stop- to tell us that they were already going home.. so anywae.. we left leonard, jac and benjy and we headed for the park... was about 9 + then.. we walked from downtown east all the way to the other side near home.. he sent me home at 11+ before he walked down the hill himself... it was a memorable day..

sunday. 1st feb. i promised uncle jonathan that i would share in front of the whole church last year.. wasn't nervous at all.. but half way thru worship.. i kept thinking of the previous day and i somehow felt really guilty and that i didn't do wat i knew i should do. i felt tears in my eyes as i concluded in my mind that it was tough being a christian. as if the thought wasn't bad enuff.. i had to go up and share a few min later after uncle jason and aunty christina shared about their 4 children- dicky, debbie, diane and brent. my heart started pounding as uncle jonathan saed and i remembered really clearly, "now its time for the young lady to share. i always wished i had a second son." gee.

i took the mic from him and i faced the whole congregation. i so do not noe why. but tears just wouldn't stop flowing. i tried to control.. but it was of no use. i remembered preparing my speech in the car: on how i had to balance church, school, friends and my own life; how dreadful family altar was when i was so dead tired; how happy i was to received the gift of tongues during church camp and how i love to use it to pray. but nothing of tat came out. just tears. pure tears.

"its tough being a christian... being a christian.. there's a set of rules to follow... if i break any of those rules.. i'll feel so guilty and i dun feel good... it hurts so badly... when i compare my life with my frens, the difference is so much. so so much.. i feel that they enjoy a much more fun-filled life than me and i really haf no life... but when i look from it at another point of view, i noe my life is much more richer than theirs.........."

i ran to the toilet straight after i handed the mic back to uncle jonathan. the feeling sucks. imagine crying in front of 60 over odd ppl. i told them i was scared of the crowd. but it was all bull shit. since when am i scared to speak up in front of ppl.and the stress i'm facing in school ain't amounting to the stress of my dilemma. i'm such a liar.

my eyes were tired from crying so much that i didn't go back to the sanctuary. sat at the stairs there, away from everybody else, and cont crying. i was hurting so bad inside.. fighting between being a perfect child of God and my emotions. i know the choice i had to make. but i really had a difficult time thinking of how i should tell him esp after the day before where our relationship had 'took another step forward'.

called him that night. i wanted to tell him but it was so difficult. i didn't noe how to tell him because he might think he wouldn't want me to suffer and hence we should just stop our unofficial relationship. which i wouldn't want to.

gosh. i'm so hurt.

God.. give me strength.