*SigH* mother always says that she doesn't want me to get into a relationship.. because she doesn't want me to get hurt.. but the thing is she doesn't noe that i'm already hurt so badly even before getting into one.

had a great time with him on sat.. i couldn't remember when was the last time i went out with him.. we watched last samurai and the movie was totally awesome. not only was the movie awesome, his hand felt great to hold too...

we went to Regulus 2 chalet after that with brother, jac and benjy.. felt weird at first with the kids.. but it was alrite after we started eating.. with li shuang and the rest serving all of us.. we wanted to go over to Regulus 4 bbq at the other side of pasir ris.. but diana called later on- when the 5 of us were on our way to the bus stop- to tell us that they were already going home.. so anywae.. we left leonard, jac and benjy and we headed for the park... was about 9 + then.. we walked from downtown east all the way to the other side near home.. he sent me home at 11+ before he walked down the hill himself... it was a memorable day..

sunday. 1st feb. i promised uncle jonathan that i would share in front of the whole church last year.. wasn't nervous at all.. but half way thru worship.. i kept thinking of the previous day and i somehow felt really guilty and that i didn't do wat i knew i should do. i felt tears in my eyes as i concluded in my mind that it was tough being a christian. as if the thought wasn't bad enuff.. i had to go up and share a few min later after uncle jason and aunty christina shared about their 4 children- dicky, debbie, diane and brent. my heart started pounding as uncle jonathan saed and i remembered really clearly, "now its time for the young lady to share. i always wished i had a second son." gee.

i took the mic from him and i faced the whole congregation. i so do not noe why. but tears just wouldn't stop flowing. i tried to control.. but it was of no use. i remembered preparing my speech in the car: on how i had to balance church, school, friends and my own life; how dreadful family altar was when i was so dead tired; how happy i was to received the gift of tongues during church camp and how i love to use it to pray. but nothing of tat came out. just tears. pure tears.

"its tough being a christian... being a christian.. there's a set of rules to follow... if i break any of those rules.. i'll feel so guilty and i dun feel good... it hurts so badly... when i compare my life with my frens, the difference is so much. so so much.. i feel that they enjoy a much more fun-filled life than me and i really haf no life... but when i look from it at another point of view, i noe my life is much more richer than theirs.........."

i ran to the toilet straight after i handed the mic back to uncle jonathan. the feeling sucks. imagine crying in front of 60 over odd ppl. i told them i was scared of the crowd. but it was all bull shit. since when am i scared to speak up in front of ppl.and the stress i'm facing in school ain't amounting to the stress of my dilemma. i'm such a liar.

my eyes were tired from crying so much that i didn't go back to the sanctuary. sat at the stairs there, away from everybody else, and cont crying. i was hurting so bad inside.. fighting between being a perfect child of God and my emotions. i know the choice i had to make. but i really had a difficult time thinking of how i should tell him esp after the day before where our relationship had 'took another step forward'.

called him that night. i wanted to tell him but it was so difficult. i didn't noe how to tell him because he might think he wouldn't want me to suffer and hence we should just stop our unofficial relationship. which i wouldn't want to.

gosh. i'm so hurt.

God.. give me strength.