sometimes i really hate myself.

if i could come up with an analogy to describe myself, i will say i work like how branding works: i view myself of a certain level; i know i'm up to that level, but in true fact, it just requires so much more of me to reach that level.

i really want to apply for that position in London. but i'm just so scared to do it. i know, i may not get it even if i apply, but.. what if i get it?

sometimes, i just wonder what is it that makes me feel the way i feel- can it be because of my upbringing, or its just innate in me that i just feel so vulnerable when i'm pushed into new surroundings that i just shut off. it is that self condemnation that overrides my logical thinking, and my confidence level just drops.

i hate being not confident- something that i thought i have already overcome. i hate being timid and scared just like a naiive immature girl who knows nothing of the world. most importantly, i hate myself even more when i know God is there and i still think i can't do it.

argh. i suck. i think i can't fulfill my ambition.

sometimes, i really hate myself.